What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
