I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
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The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
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Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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