I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
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