You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
