two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
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he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
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After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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