Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
