It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
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