you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Randomize
