i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
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it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
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i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
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