there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
