Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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