Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
