I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I just blew my weed a kiss
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Randomize
