Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
