And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
