Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I wish there were birth control emojis
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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