I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
tell me about the eggs
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