there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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