I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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