my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
