Your mouth is God's brothel.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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