i don't like sucking hair
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
