Someone shit on the floor
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
