I CAN MOONWALK!
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
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