So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
