The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
