At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
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He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
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Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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