you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
The Olympian is in my bed
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
