like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
