Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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