I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
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