had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
