my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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