he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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