So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Randomize
