I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I have feelings that need drinking.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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