i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
