You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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