Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
