You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
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He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
She even gives head with a lisp.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
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After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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