how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
