i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
