You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
