sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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