Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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