Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
