i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
