i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Randomize
