wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
