What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
