this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive