Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
